Mixed Feelings

[nightfox]

I don't normally inflict my issues on everyone else but I'm feeling so odd about the news I got today. For anyone who doesn't know I was involved in a rather terrible auto accident in Sept of 2009. As a result of the accident I sustained quite a few injuries but the worst damage was to my cervical spine. I've undergone several procedures to fix everything that was broken/injured. The last surgery, just over a year ago was a two level discectomy/laminectomy with spinal fusion. I had known at 6 mos post surgery that one of the fusions was still unstable but my MD was of the opinion it would continue to heal. Now it's safe to say it hasn't and isn't going to. So today I got to see the lovely gap where the donor bone they used failed to calcify and left me with an open area in the space where my disc used to be.

Needless to say, I've been in a lot of pain. I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy that I have to undergo the knife again. Finding out that my fusion didn't heal means that there is still hope to fix it and potentially reduce my pain because if he'd found today that it was healed that meant I would have had no hope of anything in my future but drugs drugs and more freakin drugs. On the other hand, it's more surgery on my spine and a more painful procedure at that. I can't say that makes me happy. Also I'd been hoping to go back to work at the end of the month and well, clearly that's not going to happen.

So here I sit, not quite sure how to feel about all this. Is it completely pathetic of me to just wish for it all to go away? I just want my life back.

Comments

[ravyn-ashling.livejournal.com]

*HUUUUUGGGGSSSS* oh bb D: i hope everything gets better soon!

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for letting me whine all over you!

[lolafeist.livejournal.com]

God, I'm so sorry. Yeah it's good to know the pain can be helped but that kind of procedure sounds really scary and exhausting. Sending you good thoughts. It's so unfair you have to go through this.

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hun. The surgery scares the sh*t out of me. I mean, I know I need it but that doesn't help the fear. I just gotta believe that it will all be worth it in the end...if I don't cling to that hope I'll just go mad!

[slightlytookish]

*hugs* I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I hope the next surgery goes well and you feel better very soon!

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm doing my best to keep the faith but some days it's harder than others.

[jissai1988.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I cant say it will all be okay. Saying it doesnt help anything and i am not a seer like morgana.

I hope for the best for you. If you need to email me do so at any time. :)

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you my friend!

[shes-gone.livejournal.com]

Fuck, I'm so sorry, hon. ♥ I wish it would just go away for you, too! *hugs*

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I just couldn't keep the whinging in today. Hoping tomorrow will see me with a more positive attitude.

[winterstorrm.livejournal.com]

Oh no. *big hug*

I got a lot of bad from this, but also the good - that it can be fixed. Try to focus on that?

xx

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I am definitely trying to focus on the good but I have to admit it rather frightens me as well. It is at best a mixed blessing but I guess I need to look on the blessing aspect of it.

[chrunchy-crunck.livejournal.com]

God, that sounds awful.
I really hope it will all get better soon! especially the pain!
*hugs*

[k-nightfox.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hun! The pain relief is what it's all about. I'm just hoping it works this time :|

[alba17.livejournal.com]

Oh god, that sounds so difficult. It's not completely pathetic at all to feel that way, it seems completely natural. I guess just focus on the possibility of completely healing. I really feel for you. When will this surgery take place?